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The IT File presents · Department of Universal Storybook Terms

Cinderella

Once Upon an Agreement

Most people know the story. Almost nobody remembers the paperwork.

One ruby red slipper and one glass slipper surrounded by fairy dust
Exhibit A · Premium footwear, subject to change

Once upon a time, Cinderella had a fairy godmother, a royal ball, a prince with surprisingly poor facial-recognition skills and one extremely important shoe.

But there was one part of the story nobody put in the storybook.

Cinderella's parents thought they were buying magic.
What they actually bought was an agreement.

Seventeen Years Earlier

Filed under: enrollment
The beneficiary

Cinderella was six days old when a beautifully dressed woman arrived with a wand in one hand and a leather portfolio in the other.

She represented DUST: Desire Union Society Terms.

The offer

Cinderella's parents wanted the very best for their daughter.

DUST recommended Happily Ever After Premium.

It sounded wonderful.

Happily Ever After

Premium · Royal Household Benefit Schedule
Transportation Luxury limousine
Royal Staff Seven dwarfs
Wardrobe Magnificent red gown
Footwear Ruby slippers
Accommodation Seven nights at the castle
Prince Introduction Guaranteed
What parent says no to this?

Then the representative turned the page.

There were some additional terms.

Forty-seven pages of them.

DUST may, subject to applicable Fairy Law, add new terms or delete or change any terms and conditions of this Agreement. Changes may include applicable rates, fees, benefit calculations, transportation, footwear, accommodations and Fairy Godmother services.
☑ I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.

Cinderella's mother checked the box.

A little fairy dust floated across the contract.

Done.

Your DUST Benefits Have Changed

Please retain for your records
Click a benefit to inspect the adjustment.
Royal Staff Seven dwarfs Six mice
Substituted royal personnel considered substantially comparable.
Transportation Luxury limousine One pumpkin
Pumpkin may be member-supplied.
Accommodation Seven nights One evening
Benefit terminates at midnight.
Footwear Ruby slippers Glass
Footwear suitability not warranted.
substantially comparable?

Then Came the Ball

Benefits finally used

Invitation. Wand. Sparkle.

Six mice. One pumpkin.

Blue gown. Glass slippers.

For one evening, it looked exactly like a fairy tale.

Then the fairy godmother checked her watch.

“Your transportation and wardrobe benefits terminate at midnight.”

“My parents paid for seven nights.”

“Your benefits changed.”

12:00

Midnight.

Cinderella ran.

Carriage became pumpkin. Footmen became mice. Gown disappeared.

One glass slipper remained behind.

Convenient.

Happily Ever After

Some exclusions apply

Eventually the slipper fit. There was a wedding, a castle and, after some time, a baby.

Then came the bill.

DUST Account Services · Billing Inquiry
“Why am I paying this?”
“It's pursuant to your Agreement.”
“I didn't sign an agreement.”
“Our records show an agreement was accepted.”
“When?”
“Seventeen years ago.”
“I was six days old.”
“Your authorized representatives accepted on your behalf.”
“My parents?”
“Yes.”
“And they agreed to this interest rate?”
“They agreed to the Agreement.”
“That wasn't my question.”
The Agreement permits certain changes to applicable rates and fees subject to Fairy Law.
“Can I cancel?”
BALANCE REMAINS PAYABLE
“Can I sue?”
ARBITRATION PROVISION
“Can the other princesses join?”
CLASS-ACTION WAIVER

Cinderella looked at the bill.

So she did what Cinderella had always done.

She worked.

Years Later

The story begins again

Cinderella grew older. The prince grew older. The mice grew older. One of them had somehow become an accountant.

And their daughter grew.

One morning there was a knock at the castle door.

A beautifully dressed woman stood outside with a wand in one hand and a tablet in the other.

“Good morning. I'm with DUST.”

“We're currently enrolling children in our newly improved Happily Ever After Premium Plan.”

Cinderella looked at the screen.

Luxury transportation. Seven dwarfs. Ruby slippers. Seven nights at the castle. Guaranteed prince introduction.

It sounded wonderful.

There were some additional terms.

Forty-seven pages of them.

☑ I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.
And they lived happily ever after.*
*terms subject to change

CINDERELLA IS FICTIONAL. THE CONTRACT PROBLEM IS NOT.

Credit-card agreements, later changes to terms, notice requirements, arbitration clauses and disputes over how far those clauses can reach have all appeared in real regulations and real court cases.

CFPB · Changing Terms Credit-Card Agreement Archive CFPB Arbitration Study Badie v. Bank of America Douglas v. Talk America Johnson v. Continental Finance
THE IT FILE · ONCE UPON AN AGREEMENT · DEPARTMENT OF UNIVERSAL STORYBOOK TERMS